BMI 34

Looking back , 6 years to be precise , i still remember the insecurities , reluctantness , social idiocracy , depression , addiction , paranoia , obsessive complusiveness of mine building inside me as it was stacking to become a great wall that i thought will never be broken down .

Every year , i look forward to events , but when it comes to it , i shy away from them , wary about the comments and critics that i might encounter along the way , as if i was judge infront of many , or being a scapegoat in conversations they wanted to avoid . I know some of u understand the feeling of being the topic of conversation by adults who thinks u're a project worth commenting as if they were ur saving grace . Like a subject needed saving from , hmmm well i dunno , herself ? just because i looked different and some may perceived as being socially inadequete due to my inner addiction . But saving ? Is it really that noble ? I don't know what is more terrifying , whether they think that is really for my own good or they are doing this for kicks .

I remembered festive seasons like CNY . Oh i hated those seasons , esp when visitors came . What was suppose to be a joyous season turn into a sweaty , anxious moments , waiting to be judge and push into the spotlight when you prayed it was an EXIT sign to runway. What adults fail to understand is , even at the tender age of 15 , we have egos too , dignity if u want me to put it nicely . The worse thing about being shoved into the unwanted spotlight was knowing that you did not have any support from anyone , u're alone , waiting to go , and even when u do , u know that they are still talking about you , tearing every part of u and asking why why why is she like that . So what if i was ?


6 years ago .Emotions and memories is what brings me back to those days . Showed me how far i've come over the years .




-A page from my 15 year old self . How i wish i could let u know of what is to come -